I don't want to die

This post is just one massive rant but I need to get this off my chest

I'm so scared to die. I don't want to go. There are so many things I still wanted to do. I was already starting to plan new things I could do after I finished treatment. I was exited for my hair to grow back. I was okay with it falling out because of the hope that it would grow back. But it won't have the chance to.

I try to act unbothered in front of my family because I know how much they're struggling themselves. My dad's mom is already getting euthanasia in two weeks, and then my dad also has to lose his daughter. It's so so so awful and unfair.

I don't want my parents to have to bury their own child. I love my parents so much and I know they've been in so much pain because of my diagnosis even if they don't show it to me very often.

I just scroll tiktok mindlessly all day because I know that the moment I give my brain a break to think I'm going to break down completely. I'm so scared.

I haven't had my cat for more than a year. I was going to take him with me when I would start living on my own. He's just a baby, and he probably won't remember me anymore very soon after I pass. It feels like a stupid thing to be upset about, but I love that cat endlessly, he's been a light during my treatments.

I've been acting cold towards my parents because I know when I have any kind of emotional conversation I'm just going to start crying and I don't know if I'll be able to stop.

I've barely talked to my sister since I was told I'm not getting better. Neither of us know how to act around each other. We've always understood each other so easily, but now we don't talk. I hate it.

I barely even got a chance to celebrate "beating" cancer. It came back almost instantly. I never got to be not sick since my diagnosis. I'm angry. I'm so fucking sad. I just wanted to at least get a chance to try to start living again. I don't want to die. I would do anything to keep living. I'm so fucking scared.