I hate it here

I've gotten the term ibs used in doctors offices. Specifically stress-induced IBS which... For someone who has had anxiety their whole life is entirely unhelpful. I am always stressed and my mind and body are so used to it I don't think I perceive it anymore. This means my butt is constantly playing Russian roulette. I don't trust farts, I don't trust tummy aches, I dont trust anything. And somehow there's always more surprise diarrhea. Most of the time I manage alright, definitely doesn't hurt im a homebody. Twice in the past month there have been no indicators and I've ruined a beautiful pair of new Levi's(a horrifying yet kinda funny story that ends with my once lovely pants stuffed into a plastic bag and thrown away in a public park garbage bin in a foreign country) and tonight, my favorite white canvas pants(I'm really hoping oxiclean does what it's supposed to; I really love those pants, I feel good about myself in those pants and those pants alone). The meds they gave me don't work and I'm laying here after sobbing in humiliation in the shower while cleaning myself off and scrubbing myself clean but everything still smells like shit and I hate hate everything. I'm afraid to step outside incase the 5 second countdown suddenly begins again and I don't have access to a toilet I don't know the point of this I'm just sad and frustrated and upset and a bunch more negative emotional adjectives I can't think of right now because I hate my guts too much