Someone replaced me

I feel like I'm not myself. My skin lays wrong. I noticed it recently (like, not as thought passing away immedietaly), like 3 months ago. Kind of feeling like I'm not able to clean myself no matter how much I try to. The kind of feeling like the skin is dirt itself. Looking at pictures of myself from earlier childhood (9years old vs 17 now) I'm not anywhere close to that child. Their eyebrows are closer together. His eyes are way darker than mine. His are dark brown, my are dark green/light brown. Everything surrounding me is different either. The food doesn't taste the same anymore. The sweet is way sweeter, spicy isn't spicy, bitter isn't bitter. I can't enjoy it as I did back then. My memories are disappearing. I don't remember what I did 3 days ago, like it didn't happen. Like, I remember routine, but I can't re-call any single action, talk from that day.

I could deal with all those things. Thought maybe I just grew up and puberty did it's thing and that's how all adults feel. It started about 2 years ago. I was pushing that feeling away hoping it'll go away on it's own as many other. Week ago (I think. it's hard to count days, I think it was 7-9 days ago, judging by messages and notifications that came) I started paying closer attention to my family. I don't know why I did it, but they feel strange. Like, I remember these faces. I remember these voices, but they act and speak differently. I started paying attention to actions of everyone. I didn't do that often before

I don't feel about people the same anymore either, it's terrifying. I feel like I'm loosing my empathy. 4 years ago I was crying about dead horse in a video game, now I literally see dead corpses and I don't feel anything. It doesn't feel like I'm looking at something that was living before. I know how I should feel. I just can't find it. Like, it was given to me in limited amount and I run out of it. There's no empathy left for me in me to use.

I definitely can still feel fear, the same way I did all the time, but I react on it differently. I'd like it to happen. I just want to stand there and watch as things happen, whenever it'd be physical harm or some other consequences. I'd like to see it happening. The guilt doesn't feel same anymore. I don't feel sorry because I'm sorry. I'm sorry because someone's else life got worse. It's weird to describe but that's the closest what I can describe it as. All of it feels like I'm not meant to be here. I'm living in someone's else body. I can't even point out what's wrong. It doesn't belong to me. I am not the person who should have control over it